“Keep on asking, and you will recieve what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” -Matthew 7:7

So here’s my struggle with prayer since losing Logan. I did all this. I prayed my whole life. I devoted my life as much as a sinner can to God. I have walked on top of a cliff from birth, but still I trusted God. He had never given me a reason not to. I prayed my ENTIRE pregnancy. Fervently and faithfully because I KNEW that God would provide. While the outcome was so grim for Logan, my faith told me otherwise. 

When Logan was born and subsequently died 14 days later, my faith shattered. I prayed and God did not provide. I sought Him out and did not find Him. I knocked and the door never opened. My faith has been nothing but a constant struggle since. How do I make sense of this verse? How do I become cohesive with this statement? 

I don’t often tell people anymore that I’m praying for them. Instead I tell them “I’m thinking of you.” Because I’ve lost my faith in prayer. Prayer didn’t provide for me, and I have doubts that it’ll provide for someone else. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t believe God is capable, because I in fact do. I just can’t understand why he didn’t provide for me, his faithful follower. 

A couple weeks ago at church (which is a rarity for me to go) I heard the pastor talk about forgiveness. And immediately I thought, “am I supposed to forgive God?” The entire sermon, while not necessarily about forgiving God per se but forgiving in general, I could only correlate it to forgiving God. And it made so much sense. I have so much passive anger and if I’m being honest a grudge against God. 

So how then do I begin to forgive God? Logan will be 8 this month. 8 years later and I’m still no better off than I was on day one. I would say I’ve grown into a person I don’t always like and in other ways I’ve shrunk as a person to someone I don’t recognize. I feel a constant struggle to figure out who I am. I didn’t just lose Logan that day. I lost my faith, my innocence, my motherhood, Wyatt’s childhood, my marriage, my job, etc. everything that has been ingrained in me and made me who I am, was tainted in one way or another.