I didn’t think we’d ever make it this far.
When I started this loss journey, I took a Grief Share course, wasn’t my favorite support group, but I remember the leader (who had lost his 9 month old and wife to a train) telling me would take 5-7 years before I’d feel normal again. And dang it if he wasn’t spot on.
November through March are our typical hard months. Our demeanor changes whether we notice it or not, it does. Honestly our entire being shifts. But this year, as we celebrated Christmas there was no hole. No physical ache. Don’t get me wrong, we miss Logan, always will. But it’s not consuming. For the first time I felt like I could enjoy the holiday without feeling like a heavy cloud was waiting to dump on my chest.
Next on our Nov-Mar roadtrip, is Logan’s birthday. Again, I didn’t feel that all consuming desire to just break and fall in my rabbit hole and be buried alive. Instead, I felt like I was celebrated his existence. Giving him a day to be enjoyed and for those he had touched with his life to show up and remember him. There were no tears. There was no sadness. Instead, there was laughter, memories made, cake ate with plastic cups and love shared.
Yesterday was the anniversary of his death. It’s amazing to me to reflect on a year ago and the difference in my perspective today. After last year I vowed to always take his birthday and anniversary off. I work with kids all day, and it ate me alive to be there. I was a mess. But the last 14 days, which are typically the hardest for me, have just felt like normal life. We didn’t celebrate his death yesterday. More just acknowledge it. I didn’t watch any videos, or look at any photo books. His pictures already hang on our walls and we have photo books and mementos scattered around the house. All of which I can get lost in anytime I want.
I can honestly say, I finally feel whole. Well, as whole as I can be. I have come to the conclusion I will always have a feeling of missing something. You know, like when you leave the house and your ten minutes down the road on vacay and you go through a mental checklist because you can’t quite shake the nagging feeling you’re missing something? Yeah, I carry that everyday. And my thought is, I AM missing something. Literally part of my body, my mind, my soul. And I will never replace it. I will never get it back. So I have decided to accept that I will spend the rest of my days in this perpetual state of “crazy”. Lol.
I have also accepted this year that I am a completely new person. I will never have the “me” before Logan, because he didn’t exist during that version of “me”. This version, the one who endured a journey much like climbing up a treacherous mountain only to fall back down and climb back up, she’s a whole new person. Well not completely, I still have bits and pieces. But I have chose to accept that as me. This is who I am now. There is no point in chasing that other person who will never exist again.
I will always have “moments”. Where a brief flash will remind me of what I’m missing. Not a tidal wave, more like splash. The other day I was babysitting my 6 month old niece, first time I’d had a youngin that tiny since my Logan. I literally had to google how often she should be eating (insert face palm here). Anyway, we left the house to go out to eat with my mom. As we were walking out of the garage, Wyatt was carrying the diaper bag and I had the car seat. And it just hit me. This. This right here is what it could of/ should of been with Logan. He helped me like a big brother would. For a moment, I got to experience what it would be like (and what I never got to feel) to have two children.