It’s been a year and today marks the day Logan joined his grandparents in Heaven. Today also marks the day that married my best friend 11 years ago. Some might think the two days colliding are tragic. I would disagree. When Logan was dying and it looked like he might pass on our anniversary, I hated to think what every year would bring for us. Something significant with Logan happened around important dates. We found out there was something wrong with Logan the week of Josh’s birthday. We had one of our first Kansas City scans the week of Thanksgiving. The week of Christmas we finally got confirmation that Logan would die and we couldn’t do anything about it. The week before my birthday I started having contractions and was terrified I’d deliver him early. Two days after my birthday Logan was born. And today, our anniversary, sweet Logan passed away.
After Logan died, the first 24 hours come and gone, I realized that Logan passing away today was incredible. God followed us on this journey and so many times I saw his handiwork. I began to look at today as a significant choice. Logan may not have known what today was when he died. But I know God did. He died on a day that represents love, trust, strength, perseverance and choice. The similarities between our day of love and Logan’s day of passing are quite beautiful.
Love- Josh and I love each other and Logan only knew love while he was here. Love from everyone who met him. Which is no surprise since his big brother attracts the same attention from everyone he meets.
Trust- A relationship has to have trust for a couple reasons. You have to trust your partner that you are about to spend the rest of your life with. And you have to trust your partner to keep you upright as you journey through life. God trusted us with Logan’s life. He knew before we ever became pregnant with Logan that we would do right by him. He trusted us to love and take care of Logan. Logan trusted us because he was never given a reason not to.
Strength- If you have been married for any length of time, you understand the strength it takes to wake up each morning after a fight and not beat your man (JK!). No, seriously it takes strength in a marriage to put the other before you. When we were pregnant there was many times that Josh was emotionally unavailable to me, his journey with Logan was effecting him different than me. And I had to find the strength everyday to not get upset with him, when everything was screaming inside me to hate him for not being what I needed. When Logan was here, Josh made the sacrifice of letting me hold Logan 95% of the time. Even though he wanted so badly to hold and cherish his son, he knew that Logan was thriving on my chest, that he was most comfortable there. That my friends takes an incredible amount of strength! To know that your time with your child is limited yet you sacrifice what you need for what he needs. And Logan had some of the most inspiring strength; he lived for 14 days when Dr’s said hours, maybe a few days.
Perseverance- It takes perseverance to continue a relationship. When shit gets hard and you want to quit, you have to push through because it matters. You have to have drive and initiative. You can never stop persevering. When we got married we knew there would be tough times, and boy have there been. But we kept going because we wanted to be together. Logan could have died at anytime during those 14 days. He kept going until his body could no longer sustain him.
And finally Choice- When you get married you make an active choice to love, honor and cherish your partner. You choose everyday to stay with your spouse. You choose everyday to love them. Everything in your relationship comes down to choice. Logan chose to fight. He was going to die in the OR. But when they brought him back to momma, he choose to live. He choose to fight. He choose to stay with us.
I thought today would be hard like his birthday, but I don’t feel the weighted cloud above me like I did two weeks ago. I’ve been thinking of this day since his birthday. Each day I woke up and looked at the “On This Day’ on Facebook. I’d see Logan’s pictures from last year and oddly I would get a little hitch in my throat from excitement and think he’s still alive! He’s got x amount of days left. Every day I did this. I’ve been focusing on this dates arrival. So much so that when I woke up this morning, I did not register that it was our anniversary. I only recognized it as the day Logan died. Last night Josh had asked about going to eat together today since we both took today off. And I just kind of thought that was odd. Why would he want to go eat? It didn’t feel like he was implying we’d just shoot the breeze but more so that he were celebrating something. Which is very odd for Josh when it comes to Logan. He’s usually on the other end of wanting to just hide out on the notable days. So imagine my surprise when I woke up and looked at “On This Day” and realized it was my anniversary 🙂
My point is, so much attention and energy was spent worrying about what this day would be. It’s here and it feels just like any other day. Even though its our anniversary, it doesn’t hold the same significance it did last year. But every holiday since we found out about Logan’s condition has been that way. Everyday just seems like…well… everyday. Perhaps that’s what we are left with now. A tainted reality. Our reality is definitely different from the average person now and will always be.
The interesting thing about the the period just before Logan’s birthday and the few days that followed was that it left us with a feeling of deja vu. When I found out Logan wasn’t going to survive, I returned all my nursery items and literally bought out every memorabilia item I could find. I packed a tub full of these items to go to the hospital. I packed our bags, prepared meals to freeze and got all the final preparations I needed. While preparing for Logan’s birthday, I felt as if I had been catapulted back a year. I was no longer preparing for his birthday but for his arrival. I felt the weight of what was coming. I was preparing for an important moment. His arrival and his departure kind of tangled together for me this year. As I prepared for his birthday, it was a mix of preparing for his arrival and the few days before his funeral. When preparing for his funeral I ran a bunch of errands for two days with this expectation that everything had to be perfect. I had that same expectation for Logan’s birthday.
At his birthday party, I was every bit the host as I was at his viewing. My being mirrored that day. I was a proud momma. I was excited to share Logan with everyone. We watched the slideshow and birth video. Instead this time I didn’t have Logan in my arms. But Logan (Logan Bear) was still the center of attention. And I had his small life displayed out on a table for everyone to see. I felt a sense of relief. The moment had come. But unfortunately, the moment came and went very quickly, as most parties do.
Wyatt went home with my mom after the party, so we had that evening to ourselves. When we arrived home, to an empty house, the remnants of party preparations scattered around my living room. We carried Logan’s things in to his bedroom, just as we did a year ago after his funeral. We cleaned up the dishes from the party. We read the letters that guests had written, much like the cards we’d read after the funeral. As we sat around the house, we couldn’t help but feel like we were leaving in a few days for ‘vacation.’ After Logan’s funeral last year, we left the city for a few days to be alone and grieve. Like his birthday, we came home from the funeral to an empty house. With remnants of his care taking scattered around the living room. Breast milk, saline, qtips, diapers, wipes, medication, blankets. We were alone. I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced deja vu before, but it is very eerie.
I remember feeling the weight of emptiness both a year ago and now. Like something was missing. The feeling didn’t go away until a week ago. Today I have an overwhelming feeling to go buy my son something. What? I don’t know. There really isn’t anything to go buy him. I get those inclinations periodically. I think because I don’t get to provide for him like I do Wyatt, it pours into a pot until the pot can hold no more and the sensation becomes overwhelming.
Today will be just like any other day. Instead of diving head first into a rabbit hole, I’m going to spend the day enjoying my husbands company. Remembering the things I love about my son. And when Wyatt gets home, we will decorate Logan’s bush with the rocks that were painted by friends and family on his birthday.