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I didn’t think we’d ever make it this far.

When I started this loss journey, I took a Grief Share course, wasn’t my favorite support group, but I remember the leader (who had lost his 9 month old and wife to a train) telling me would take 5-7 years before I’d feel normal again. And dang it if he wasn’t spot on.

November through March are our typical hard months. Our demeanor changes whether we notice it or not, it does. Honestly our entire being shifts. But this year, as we celebrated Christmas there was no hole. No physical ache. Don’t get me wrong, we miss Logan, always will. But it’s not consuming. For the first time I felt like I could enjoy the holiday without feeling like a heavy cloud was waiting to dump on my chest.

Next on our Nov-Mar roadtrip, is Logan’s birthday. Again, I didn’t feel that all consuming desire to just break and fall in my rabbit hole and be buried alive. Instead, I felt like I was celebrated his existence. Giving him a day to be enjoyed and for those he had touched with his life to show up and remember him. There were no tears. There was no sadness. Instead, there was laughter, memories made, cake ate with plastic cups and love shared.

Yesterday was the anniversary of his death. It’s amazing to me to reflect on a year ago and the difference in my perspective today. After last year I vowed to always take his birthday and anniversary off. I work with kids all day, and it ate me alive to be there. I was a mess. But the last 14 days, which are typically the hardest for me, have just felt like normal life. We didn’t celebrate his death yesterday. More just acknowledge it. I didn’t watch any videos, or look at any photo books. His pictures already hang on our walls and we have photo books and mementos scattered around the house. All of which I can get lost in anytime I want.

I can honestly say, I finally feel whole. Well, as whole as I can be. I have come to the conclusion I will always have a feeling of missing something. You know, like when you leave the house and your ten minutes down the road on vacay and you go through a mental checklist because you can’t quite shake the nagging feeling you’re missing something? Yeah, I carry that everyday. And my thought is, I AM missing something. Literally part of my body, my mind, my soul. And I will never replace it. I will never get it back. So I have decided to accept that I will spend the rest of my days in this perpetual state of “crazy”. Lol.

I have also accepted this year that I am a completely new person. I will never have the “me” before Logan, because he didn’t exist during that version of “me”. This version, the one who endured a journey much like climbing up a treacherous mountain only to fall back down and climb back up, she’s a whole new person. Well not completely, I still have bits and pieces. But I have chose to accept that as me. This is who I am now. There is no point in chasing that other person who will never exist again.

I will always have “moments”. Where a brief flash will remind me of what I’m missing. Not a tidal wave, more like splash. The other day I was babysitting my 6 month old niece, first time I’d had a youngin that tiny since my Logan. I literally had to google how often she should be eating (insert face palm here). Anyway, we left the house to go out to eat with my mom. As we were walking out of the garage, Wyatt was carrying the diaper bag and I had the car seat. And it just hit me. This. This right here is what it could of/ should of been with Logan. He helped me like a big brother would. For a moment, I got to experience what it would be like (and what I never got to feel) to have two children.

I’m coming up on year 5. It is hard to believe Logan would be 5 this coming February. It is hard to believe I have survived the last 5 years. It is hard to believe all the changes my life has endured the last 5 years.

November through Marchish-April are the hardest months of my life, every year, for the last 5 years. I find it quite funny that my body responds before my mind can even connect the dots. The overpowering anxiety that takes over. The chest pain, rapid breaths, nausea, extreme fear. The inability to focus. The out of control feeling. Being trapped and I have no clue why. My normal modes of avoidance do not penetrate the magnitude of these 6 months. Wow, 6 months, I just realized that means for half the year I’m a psychopath.

One would think after 5 years of systematic anxiety, I would catch on faster. But apparently I’m emotionally unaware. I have been told by multiple people over the last few years, including a therapist, that your body has memory. And when your mind doesn’t pick it up right away your body goes through that trauma again. When Logan died, I didn’t sleep normal for a couple years, hell I still don’t. My therapist told me my body prepared for 9 months to bring a baby home, and it didn’t get the memo of loss. So it naturally behaved in a manner that suited a newborn being home. The constant fear that I am forgetting someone, all. The. Time. Is rooted in Logan being gone. I am missing something. I am forgetting something. There is a routine that should naturally be occurring, but because life is unfair, it’s not. After 5 years, I’m willing to accept that I will always feel like I’m missing or forgetting something. That my ducks are not in a row. That my life is somehow in a spinning wheel of chaos, forever chasing that one thing that will set it right and make it all stable again.

I joke periodically that my brain is Swiss cheese and blame it on getting older. But I’m legit 34, and there is no way I’m accepting that as old. With each passing year I like to think that I am somehow gaining some knowledge, perhaps even acceptance, not sure I’d go as far as understanding. But I think this is the new me. The “post-Logan” era. The “hi, I’m a hot fucking mess, please don’t expect me to be rational with all things, to be socially awkward, to drown internally, etc etc.” But know that I’m trying.

I recently read a quote that went “you aren’t lazy, you are exhausted from the years of surviving” or something close to that. And I was instantly like “BOOM!” Magic stick! Holy fuck does that touch a nerve. More like it bangs a deafening truth, like the awful sound that comes out of Godsmack (no offense). I literally feel lazy all the freaking time. Which is unfathomable to me because I’m also tired all the damn time. But this sentence, it is a perfection summation of my life the last 4 years. I’m tempted to call it my “new life” because it really is a different life and I’m a different person. I’m not lazy, and if you know me well, or even barely, it is easy to see that I bust my ass. For work, for family, for friends, for a stranger. I constantly try to pour positivity and kindness into others because I know first hand that you DON’T know what someone is going through. I have perfected putting on a “brave” face while literally feeling like I’m suffocating on the inside. I have been on the verge of tears while desperately hanging from that life rope.

I’m not lazy. I am a loyal friend to a fault. I help whoever and whenever I can. I try everything I know and research everything I don’t know on being a good parent to a child on the spectrum, who has lost a brother, who has some behavioral issues, who is behind emotionally.

I’m not lazy. I’m exhausted. I don’t even think Webster’s has a correct term for the amount of exhausted I am. I’m 98% sure I will die of a heart attack. I don’t like to speak of my experience in terms of “trauma”. Something just doesn’t feel right. I didn’t watch a friend die on the battle field. I didn’t have to do checks after a raid. I wasn’t abused. But as the years have grown, I’m starting to accept the word “trauma” into my fold. I have tried, settled, died, tried some more, settled, died, and repeat. I don’t think I have ever achieved “thriving” or “peace”. I have always looked at myself from the sidelines as surviving. I’m not brave, I’m just simply trying to survive the life I have left.

And I hate it. Being so unsure of who I am day to day. I have achieved and accomplished so much in the last couple of years, yet I can find pure joy in it.

So the next time I don’t respond to your text, or your phone call, or you catch me sitting alone or even in a crowd, just staring or being quietly subdued, please remember, I’m not being lazy or rude, I’m literally just tired. And, I am trying.

For the past 3 years I have struggled with my faith. I have had moments where I felt a breakthrough or a shift. To only fall right back into that pit of uneasiness, anger and doubt. I would say I have spent 75% of the last 3 years feeling like I am at the bottom of this incredibly tall mountain and after strenuous climbing through the thicket, I look back to see how far I’ve come and realize I’m still at the bottom. And each time I fight and climb forward, feeling as if the top has to be just around this boulder, I look back and no longer see the bottom, and yet I see no end at the top. I feel stuck in this position, I can’t go forward and yet I can’t go back. I could give up, and just fall back down the mountain, but what damage would that cause? 

Today we are going through a COVID-19 pandemic. I have spent the last several weeks or months, I’ve lost count how long this thing has been going on, not really stressing to the full extent everyone else has. Do I take it seriously? Sure. Do I think I will be impacted? Not so sure, but definitely not so effected that my life would drastically change. Now my job is most likely going to close due to this rapid spread and dental offices being at the front line of potential risk. Now, I feel the weight of this virus. I’m looking at the potential for no income, racking up credit card debit to just survive however long this crazy episode is going to endure. Having to sit down and discuss with my preteen why his school closed for the rest of the semester, why this virus is dangerous and who to, and the precautions we as a family are taking and the potential impact as well as discussing the mass chaotic response from the nation, and most importantly addressing the very clear fear on his face. Now this is effecting my home. My fear has increased just slightly. I worry for my family members who are older, the ones with immune disorders and the ones with pre-existing conditions that put them at risk. I worry about my mother who is surrounded by the outbreak in Johnson county, who is at risk, and potentially without help should a lockdown or quarantine ensue. 

Through all this I have maintained a calm. Since Logan died, I’ve kind of had this motto, when in my healthy state of mind, that we will make it through. I can’t guarantee how we make it, but we will one way or another. There isn’t anything I can change about certain events in life and I just have to walk through them allowing it to evolve. This is no different. Can I change all this? Nope, sure can’t. Can I sit at home and stress the hell out about what is to come? Yup, sure can. But the real question is, what is that going to do for me? Is that going to solve my problems? Is that going to save me? Is that going to keep our source of income, food on the table or a roof over our heads? The answer is no. What it will do is cause hysteria in my household. The troupes will follow me in my chaos. My child will learn to respond to fear and chaos with fear and chaos. Is that the generation I want to help build? Nope, sure isn’t. 

I would say 80% of the time now when people say “God has a plan” or “God will take care of us” I just roll my eyes. It’s not that I don’t believe in God, or perhaps that’s something I’ve been struggling with since Logan died. I think people use those as “catch phrases”, they don’t really understand the weight or meaning behind them. Last night, I gave in a little to that anxiety of “what is the world coming to?” After hearing from my boss about our impending shut down, the schools deciding to close the buildings for the remainder of the school year. We went to the nearly empty grocery store, not to stock pile, but to buy for at least 2 weeks as we were running low. It was eerily quiet in there. Kind of post-apocalyptic like in the movies. After putting all the groceries away, I just sat for a minute, trying to mentally catch a breathe. This is all surreal. BUT as I sat down this morning, finally deciding I needed to somehow engage with God, I started reading my book “Don’t Give Up” by Kyle Idleman. As I read a few pages, I felt a calm. One I haven’t felt in a while. And it was like I had this huge “aha” moment. I have been so “go with the flow” with this pandemic, because we will make it through. I have no doubt that somehow we will make it through. And I believe that because I believe God will take care of us. Because I believe “God will take care of us.” I haven’t said or believed those words in 3 years. But it proved to me, that no matter where I am with my faith and in my relationship with God, deep down I still have faith that God will handle my shit. 

Now, that doesn’t mean I believe that everything will be peachy. I don’t believe by saying he will take care of things, that he will make everything okay. That just means, that if I should die, or Wyatt or Josh, I know they are going to Heaven, IE taken care of. That means if shit gets rough, I eventually know where my life will lead. I can’t focus on the negativity surrounding this pandemic. I have to focus on my household, on my faith. I can’t control the world. I can only control my world. So I’m choosing to find the positive, the light, the hope. I’m choosing to take this “aha” moment and grasp it like a guide rope hopefully up this mountain. I just pray it doesn’t take 3 more years to get to the top!

Faith. Some live every moment by it. Some have never found it. Some had it burned and spend their time digging through the ashes trying to find it. I can guess where my faith lies. 

I recently read an article that in summary said that while you may heal from the loss of a child, your body never forgets. My therapist even told me once that my lack of sleep through the night and the constant feeling of running on fumes comes from my body remember that a newborn should be here. That it’s instinct is to wake up and care for a child through the night. It never got the memo that it’s instinct is no longer needed. It’s job was rendered useless. Logan’s birthday is less than a month away, and while I don’t feel like my mind is thrusting me back to those moments, I do find myself pondering faith-what is it? and life-what’s the purpose? 

Before Logan, my life wasn’t built by a silver spoon. My upbringing was rough. My marriage had struggles. My parenting has had curve balls. I built the life I had from hard work, determination and faith that God would always be by my side. When we got pregnant with Logan, we just knew this was God’s plan for us. We rejoiced in it, gave God the praise for the miracle we’d been waiting years for. When Logan was diagnosed with pending death we couldn’t imagine this was our lives. While we didn’t always make the best choices, we were faithful. We lived our lives the best we could by God’s standards, but we are imperfect people. We could not understand why we would be punished in such a harsh way, when there were others who behaved in a manner so much more deserving of pain. 

In the last three years, I have blamed God, hated God, called out to God, searched and searched for God. Every year that passes I get more and more exhausted from the manhunt I’ve been stomping on. I try for the sake of Wyatt to continue to follow the basic steps of a believer, to show him an example. I have to make myself attend church, there is no desire to go, other than the feeling I might be smited. For years I have pushed down the harsh reality of feelings that swelter just below my cognitive surface. I sit in church and listen to the praise and worship songs and watch those around me find joy in faith. But what is faith? And how do you know you have it?

I HAD faith, that God would protect me. I HAD faith that God would protect my child. I HAD faith that if I was a believer and followed God that no “real” harm would come my way. Yeah I might be burglarized or get in a car wreck. But torture I would not be. Broken I would not be. My trials would lead me back to God and the purpose behind his “master plan” for my life was always revealed. 

Almost three years later, I now cry during worship songs because it reminds me that they are just words. There is no hope or joy in those words. God is not good to me all the time. Why is he worthy of all my praise? I am forced back into those moments where I cried out for his comfort and release. I cried out for mercy, to not have to witness my child die. Yet these people surrounding me walk in faith, blindly. Sure everyone has their demons. Their struggles that they hide behind their made up faces and plastered on smiles. I want to meet someone who has gone through the torture chamber I have and tell me that they stand by their faith. That they can see God through it all. 

So what is the purpose of faith? The purpose of life? God has a master plan correct? Why were we even created to begin with? Was he bored? Did he need a chess game with Satan? How many blows can God allow before Satan wins? I just don’t understand it anymore. Longterm, sure I don’t want to spend eternity in hell. I’m supposed to just accept that God can do whatever he wants to my life and it’s okay? To be shit on, again and again. Because lets be honest, the death of a child just doesn’t stop there. It lasts forever. It touches everything. It touches every single fiber of your being. It touches every single fiber of your life. So the shit just keeps coming. 

Why am I fighting so hard to maintain an identity in God, when I feel he failed me in one of the most horrendous moments of my life? It’s not his fault? Sure, okay I’ll accept that. Logan died because there is sin in this world and we have choices. Okay I can connect that in a round about way. BUT what I can’t connect is why God didn’t step in? Why can a crack addict have a healthy child? But a faithful, God fearing family looses their child? How do I serve a God like that? How do I have faith and praise a God like that?

I used to be a strong independent woman. I knew who I was. I knew what I believed in. I knew what I stood for. I knew what I built and I knew what I knew. When Logan died, I died too. My identity died. My strength and independence died. My beliefs died. The life I built and the knowledge I knew, all died. My friendships died. My family relationships died. I’ve spent the last three years trying to resurrect that woman who died. And I can’t find her. She doesn’t exist except in a wispy memory. I ask myself daily, “What am I fighting so hard for?” The only conclusion I can come up with, to survive. 

If I don’t fight, I won’t survive. If I don’t fight, it’s down the rabbit hole I go. And I know what is at the bottom of that rabbit hole, I’ve been there before. Surviving doesn’t exist at the bottom of that rabbit hole. I don’t have faith. I don’t even know if I believe in a God anymore, and nobody seems to be able to help me with that. All they can do is spew scripture at me. I don’t have direction anymore. I don’t have strength or independence anymore. I don’t have confidence anymore. Everything I was, was taken from me when Logan died. I’m surviving. Some days look better than others. Some days I even get a glimpse of un-tainted joy. But most days, I’m simply surviving. I have no real pleasure in this life. Do I enjoy watching Wyatt grow? I’m pretty indifferent to it. The friendships that once held me together, have faded into the background. My life continues to spiral without ever finding a firm foundation. 

So what is faith? Is it knowing that as long as I wake up every morning I know I’m surviving? Or is faith know that as long as I wake up every morning God allowed me another day to live? Because I’m supposed to accept that he allows the good and the bad, right? So you tell me, what is faith? And why are we trying so hard to find it? Because I’m exhausted. 

“While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,’’ he said. “Don’t bother the teacher anymore.” Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.”………….Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning her. “Stop wailing,” Jesus said. “She is not dead but asleep.” They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. But he took her by the hand and said, “My child, get up!” Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up.” —Luke 8: 49-55

I often get stuck in a thinking pattern about miracles. It goes like this: I know God can do miracles, He healed a friend’s baby, He raised this child in the Bible, He didn’t heal my child. Round and round I go. 

For the last three years I’ve struggled with my faith. I’ve moved in one direction to the next, constantly searching for the path that will lead me back to my unwavering faith in God. I’ve never found it, and I often wonder if I will spend the rest of my life searching. Is this destiny? 

When I was still pregnant with Logan, already knowing his fatal diagnosis, I was introduced to a family who had a similar situation; their daughter wasn’t expected to live. I watched her birth video and cried and hated their family; she didn’t die, but lived. I watched their miracle unfold in front of my eyes. I knew my miracle wouldn’t come. My prayers switched from saving my child to let him die quickly and peacefully. I begged and pleaded with God to not make me watch my child suffer through death. Did he suffer? I’ll never know, I tell myself he didn’t. We showed him all the love we could and I put faith in the medicine for taking care of the rest. 

When I sit and think about how my relationship with God has been torn apart, I read things like the verse above. I hear of someone’s miracle. And I have a bad taste in my mouth. Why them? Why did MY son have to die and why did I have to watch him fade away like I did? Why do some moms get no time? Why do some moms have a plump baby who just stopped breathing? Is it not bad enough that I knew he was going to die? That there was no chance of survival? I had to suffer. I had to watch my husband suffer. I had to watch Wyatt suffer and try to navigate a territory he knew nothing about. I had to watch the innocence be stolen from my 8 year old. Why were we made to suffer in such a way?

I think a lot of my distrust with God comes from that fact. He provides miracles all the time. He intervenes in lots of lives daily. Why did he choose not to step in? What makes us different? We are saints. We aren’t special people. We haven’t done anything great with our lives. We haven’t become prophets. What good could have God had planned to come out of this tragedy? 

Instead our lives are tainted. No matter where we go in life, someone always finds out we that we lost a child. And inevitably we get treated different. People look at us different. They walk around us different. They talk to us different. We no longer are ‘us’, we are overshadowed by Logan’s death. Our faith is wavering. We weren’t pushed towards God but away. I fight everyday to hold on to the faith that I do have. I put on a brave face when I talk to my son about God, so that he doesn’t follow down my path of distrust. My husband wanders lost. 

So why do other people get a miracle, but we didn’t? My bible study this week asks me to think about plans that I had but God replaced with better ones, or how has praying for God’s will to be done blessed me. I have no answers. I try to think back before Logan, I suppose I could be grateful Wyatt didn’t die when he had heart surgery. But nothing overshadows Logan. What we went through. 

Is is so wrong to think, I want God to say sorry. To tell me that my miracle was not greater than his plan? To tell me my son didn’t suffer. To tell me that he is living a life of joy and content in Heaven. To tell me that my son knows who I am. That he watches me. That we have some connection other than watching him die. Because I feel empty. I see Wyatt everyday, our connection is ever present. Logan’s is gone. Connected only through pain and suffering. And then gone. All I have is pictures, and fading memories. What does Logan have? 

I’m told that I have to accept God for all of who he is. Not just the good parts, but the awful things as well. I can say without doubt, that I don’t think God killed my son, if that makes sense. I think Logan dying was an effect of this evil world, but God simply didn’t intervene. It’s the intervening part, that I cannot reconcile with.

I typically enjoy FB’s “memories”, as it shows how immature life used to be, how much we’ve grown, Wyatt’s milestones and all the feels. Until this time of year, when it reminds me of the journey we began with Logan, everyday. Reading the words I wrote 3 years ago, makes me feel like I’m reliving it all over again. But I can’t bring myself to delete them, because they are memories I tend to “forget” or suppress. They are some of the only documentation I have of Logan’s life. Perhaps it’s the holidays coming up. That simple reminder of the anxiety we endured waiting to hear the final prognosis for his life. Venturing through the holidays knowing the next year we wouldn’t be able to buy gifts, watch family fight over his snuggles, watch Wyatt teach him how to open presents, you know, all the things. This time of year, FB reminds me of what we went through. The holidays remind me of all we lost. After the new year, we shift from the lost memories, to preparing for his birthdays that will never come. And then the days leading up to his death. We try to pretend that we are strong through these next 4 months, but we aren’t. It eats us worse November-March because of all we went through and all we won’t ever get to go through. When April arrives, we can breathe again. With minor blips on Mother’s/Father’s Day.

When friends get pregnant, I feel as if they begin to disappear. Doesn’t matter how close our friendship is or was. By birth, I couldn’t tell you when the last time we talked or met was. 

I’m on my third pregnant friend now, who has seemed to walk a path leading away from our friendship. I’ve always thought that I have given them understanding with how hectic and exhausting their lives become once pregnancy joins their journey. Especially since they’re previous pregnancies left them with empty arms. 

Perhaps I become a burden to them? I honestly don’t know. But it leaves me perplexed. I try not to make my journey apart of anyone else. Perhaps that’s why my healing has suffered so much. But it truly saddens me. To have been so close to someone, who truly understood the realm of my rabbit hole. Someone who can understand what another pregnancy means to those around you. 

In no way do I want their light and joy to be dampened by my emotions. I’m so happy for them. Jealous, too. I think jealousy will always be there. Jealousy because they knew what they wanted. Jealousy because they were brave enough to make a decision. Jealousy because they chose to have another baby. Jealousy because it’s all decisions I can’t wholeheartedly make. 

But nevertheless joy. Joy because I love them dearly. Joy because I wouldn’t want more harm to come for them. Joy because their joy brings me joy. Joy because I get to watch them grow. Joy because no matter what, I love babies. 

So why, has this happened 3 times? Are they just so caught up in their own lives to realize I’m not there? Am I taking it too personal? Although I don’t know how not to, when I’m told via FB instead of in person. When they assume I’m on FB enough to even see their announcement. Shouldn’t close friends be able to share this kind of news with you on a more personal level? If you’re journeys were truly entwined, wouldn’t they notice you weren’t there for such big moments? 

The first 2 made me angry. My feelings were hurt. They did exactly what they said they wouldn’t do. This 3rd pregnancy has just left me feeling hurt, misunderstood and alone. 

Everyday I feel as if Logan no longer matters. Decisions others make leaves a bad taste in my mouth and a scar on my heart. My defensive wall screams to be thrown back up. 

How do I learn to cope with other friends pregnancies that undoubtedly surround me everyday? How do I begin to normalize pregnancy again when the ones who understood what pregnancy means to a loss mom, left during the healing phase? 

In my mind it leaves me feeling as if I’m not important. Our friendship wasn’t as cherished as I thought. And Logan only mattered until something bigger came along. Nothing will ever be bigger than Logan, because to me his life mattered. 

But perhaps this all just in my head. Perhaps my view of life is skewed. And my ability to make sound decisions and conclusions are blurred. 

Perhaps they stepped away from me, because I’m a painful reminder. Perhaps my presence makes their journey more difficult or awkward. Perhaps they can’t be themselves around me anymore for fear of my journey. 

Who knows. But it sucks.