2 weeks ago we celebrated Logan’s 9th year in Heaven. We went to dinner, sang him Happy Birthday and talked about him.
Today we celebrate his 9th year of death. I’ve always said I thought it poetic that he died on our wedding anniversary. A day that literally started our life together and this wild ride we’ve been on.
Each year on his birthday I watch his birth video. Just once. It is just enough that it allows me to remember the joy and the depth of despair without falling into that hole. While a lot of our time together has faded over the years, either from growth or trauma.. who knows.. the key points I do remember are in that video. It reminds me who stood by us, who prayed with us, who loved us. I get to see the joy on my son’s face and the untainted love for his little brother. The care and love from Josh, not just as my husband but as a father. I always cry, because look, if you can watch that video and NOT cry, you’re monster. Jk. Kinda. Then I move on with my day. I allow myself to grieve and celebrate. And it’s enough now.
It’s funny, I remember thinking I would never crawl out of that rabbit hole. I couldn’t see the hand in front of me or even imagine simply putting one foot in front of the other. I couldn’t fathom that one day I would be okay. It didn’t seem like a reality I could ever live in. But now, I’m sitting here watching my husband cook this extravagant meal for our anniversary. Simply because he wanted to do something special. We did share the day with Logan though…
On our first Mother’s Day we planted a Lilac bush in honor of him, but when we sold that house it broke our heart to think of digging it up and potentially killing it since we were in limbo while looking for a new house. So after living in this new house for almost 3 years now we finally planted some flowers. We wanted something that we could take with us should we ever decide to move again. So we went to Menards and we each picked out a flower bundle we liked. I was a little surprised by the small selection, I guess it’s took early in the year. We placed them on our deck where we spend the majority of our time, so it almost feels like now he gets to join us. I might put some of his ashes in it later, I’m going to have to think on that. I haven’t touched them since we placed them with his Lilac bush.
My husband still struggles. I think he still hits the “season” of our journey. While I don’t think it is as heavy, it’s significant enough. But I admire the courage he has to face it and the drive to keep moving forward. Neither one of us allow it to beat us down. We embrace it and then pick ourselves back up.
Love For Logan 