nashville

This past weekend I went on a girls trip with my aunt to Nashville, TN. The first girls trip since Logan’s passing. Just like my business trip to FL last month, I found myself very anxious again to leave my house. Almost cancelling the trip at one point, until my husband pointed out something that in hindsight seems very obvious. He said trips seem to be a reset button for me.

I have always been a little mean and crabby when Mother Nature visits my home. The boys in my household just know when ‘shark week’ (as my husband so lovingly puts it haha) approaches, you just kinda sit back and watch mom from a distance. But since Logan has died, these visits have transformed into self loathing and depression. I find myself spending at least one day in bed crying sporadically about my mangled post-baby body. About our unplanned future. About missing Logan. About the type of mom I am. You name it, I can cry about it. Sometimes, I just cry for not apparent reason. All the while, J lays next to me, listening and sprinkling encouragement in hopes to suffocate the rest out. My most recent visit just happened to be right before my Nashville trip. So when my husband heard my plan to back out, he strongly encouraged me to go.

The day I left was Wyatt’s 9th birthday. I had a hard time with this day, because I’ve always tried to do something super special on Wyatt’s birthday, and leaving town on his day really didn’t sit well with me. I almost thought about leaving the next day so not to disappoint him. We spent the day together and I tried my very best to make it special as always. We took Logan Bear everywhere with us. It was only natural that he be apart of this day, and Wyatt wouldn’t have it any other way. I dropped him off with friends and said my farewells. He didn’t seem at all bothered by the fact that I was leaving town. I think part of me was holding onto him because I knew the anxiety that awaited me once I hit the road. I walked back to my car with a tight chest. With Logan safely buckled into Wyatt’s carseat, we set off on our journey.

Once I arrived in KC, I met up with a close friend. As I was sitting inside at her kitchen table, I suddenly realized I left Logan in the car. I tried to push the panic that was beginning to arise inside of me, off to the side. He’s just a bear right? We left for dinner and took Logan with us, as he was still in the car. Once we returned back to her house, I once again realized I left him in the car yet again. I began to feel super guilty. Was I one of those parents who left their children in the car? Did he feel betrayed or let down because I didn’t think enough of him to remember to bring him in the house? Up until this point, I have never forgotten Logan anywhere. I hurried out to the car and snuggled him. As I began to calm down, I reminded myself that Logan bear was not Logan. That he was a representation of my sweet boy. Something for me to grasp until Logan can fill my arms one day. That if Logan indeed was here, I would never forget him. I’ve never been THAT mom.

Logan slept with me every night we were gone. While we ventured out during the day, I set him on top of the suitcase, watching over our room. And also kind of hoping the hotel staff thought he was one of those nanny cams hehe

This trip, was a stitch in the healing fabric I’m creating. I went on adventures. I didn’t always have a plan, which is so unlike me. I like schedules and plans and structure. I felt joy, down to my soul. I didn’t feel guilty one bit about enjoying my life. I have no big revelations for this trip. Usually I learn something each time I make a big step on this road. But this trip nothing sticks out. I felt comfort knowing when I got back to the hotel Logan bear would be waiting for me. However, when my aunt asked to hold him, I did have some slight anxiety watching her. All the while I felt like I was holding my breath, quietly begging for her to be finished so I could have him back. Many people get to see Logan bear, but not many get to touch or hold him.

I’m thankful God has blessed me with a husband who my inner workings. Who sees when I need a little shove. I have returned home, feeling fresh, full of love, and my soul feels at peace.

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