reminders

I typically enjoy FB’s “memories”, as it shows how immature life used to be, how much we’ve grown, Wyatt’s milestones and all the feels. Until this time of year, when it reminds me of the journey we began with Logan, everyday. Reading the words I wrote 3 years ago, makes me feel like I’m reliving it all over again. But I can’t bring myself to delete them, because they are memories I tend to “forget” or suppress. They are some of the only documentation I have of Logan’s life. Perhaps it’s the holidays coming up. That simple reminder of the anxiety we endured waiting to hear the final prognosis for his life. Venturing through the holidays knowing the next year we wouldn’t be able to buy gifts, watch family fight over his snuggles, watch Wyatt teach him how to open presents, you know, all the things. This time of year, FB reminds me of what we went through. The holidays remind me of all we lost. After the new year, we shift from the lost memories, to preparing for his birthdays that will never come. And then the days leading up to his death. We try to pretend that we are strong through these next 4 months, but we aren’t. It eats us worse November-March because of all we went through and all we won’t ever get to go through. When April arrives, we can breathe again. With minor blips on Mother’s/Father’s Day.

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