As long as this journey has seem to been, now that we have decided on a plan, it seems as if the deadline is looming. A not so great countdown has begun.
We are very thankful to have one of our close friends take some maternity photos for us yesterday. It started out as an emotional day. I had put so much pressure on myself to make this photo shoot perfect for Logan. I was stressed, anxious, angry, self-conscious, and just beating myself up. Josh was crying as we walked out the door. I had expected we would be emotional during this shoot, and I was okay with that, it would forever show the love we have for Logan and what we were going through. But instead, it was a happy day. Aside from the extremely bitter cold weather, for a couple hours, we got to forget that Logan was dying, and enjoy this phase of the pregnancy. To show how loved he is by us and his big brother. These are moments and pictures I can never repay. So once again I say thank you to our friend Sam for the incredible thing she gave us yesterday. You’ll forever be apart of our journey.
We told Wyatt that Logan would definitely not be coming home. It wasn’t our intention to tell him just yet, but he asked. He was sad for several minutes, wanted to just cuddle with me. And then in true child fashion, wanted to go play. This new book I’m reading says that’s very typical for children his age. They deal with the grief in their own way, and then do something childish like playing. And then come back around to the grief. And Wyatt has been true to that nature. He will randomly ask me questions about Logan since we’ve had the talk. He will tell me out of the blue how he really wishes Logan would come home. And it takes everything in me to hold my resolve and simply say I do too. But I’m constantly reminding him that we can and should enjoy the time we have with Logan now.
Today is going to be a rough day, I can already tell by typing this update. I’m crying. And I’m not really writing anything extremely emotional. The day after a really good day, always seems to be a rough day for me.
We will see the Specialist here in town tomorrow morning. Just a check-up I’m sure at this point. And then we see our OB on Friday, to hopefully go over all the details of the C-Section and what to expect. We then have what we hope to be our last appointment in Kansas City the following Monday to meet with the Neurosurgery team. We were going to tell him to not do the sonogram because it costs over $3,000 (Just to give you an idea of what we are up against) but after thinking it over, I won’t get much time with Logan after he’s born, and there is no amount of money that can replace this time with him. So we are going to do the sonogram. They are always an 1 or more long and we get to see SO much of him. Since it’s the new year, I know insurance will pay some and hopefully we will just meet our deductible already.
Thank you again for your support. Monetarily, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. God and I had a talk the other day, and it was probably the first time I’ve begged him to give me that miracle everyone keeps saying I need to pray for. Whether I get my miracle or not, I am thankful through all of this journey that he still continues to listen to me and bless me other areas of my life.
January 11, 2017
I’m forever grateful for the amount of resources and support we’ve been shown from our Dr’s and the different organizations out there. But reading everything and beginning to utilize these resources makes things too real and hard. And I’m beginning to feel like I’m not strong enough for this journey. Faking my strength thus far has been hard. When I sit alone, or read through these packets and begin to face the decisions I have to make, man, there aren’t words for what I’m feeling. It seems each day I get closer to meeting Logan, the higher my anxiety and the tougher my life gets.