I’m sitting in Logan’s room this morning as I type this update. It feels surreal to be in here. Instead of being surrounded by the sweet nursery things I once had, I’m surrounded by the things I’ve bought for his funeral. I’ve got all his sonogram pictures spread out on the floor. I’m organizing my binder that has all his information for this pregnancy in it. I have my birth plan on one side of me and his funeral plan on the other. My baby bump pregnancy planner taunts me.

We have just 3 short weeks until Logan arrives. I’m excited, like any expectant mother would be to meet this guy that’s been beating the inside of my beating for the past several months lol. But I’m noticing as the days get closer, the anxiety is slipping out from behind the lines and creeping up higher. As much as I’m trying not to think about what that day is going to feel like, saying hello, seeing his abnormality, watching him die, handing his body to the funeral home and ultimately the hardest part, walking away from him at the funeral, to never hold him again, never see him again. These are the things that plague me when I let them. It was so easy to keep them at bay when we were still weeks away from delivery.

I’m on weekly biophysicals for Logan until delivery. Basically that means, I go in weekly and have a special sonogram done to measure the amniotic fluid, check his practice breathing, his heart, his organs, measure his legs and hands and the encephalocele. This weeks biophysical revealed his encephalocele has grown to about 7cm and appears to be the same size as his head. And he’s measuring only 4 lbs 2 oz. Which is smaller than he should be at this gestational age. He should be well over 5 lbs. With only 3 weeks left, I’m concerned he’s not going to be as big as we originally thought. On a happier note, I got to watch his eyeball looking around my uterus. I’ve seen some of the most fascinating things on my sonograms during this pregnancy.

Logan’s funeral outfit came in, however if he doesn’t gain more weight, I’m not sure it’s going to fit. Josh and I went to the Choices Clinic for another 4D sonogram as Josh has not seen Logan for a while now. And he didn’t disappoint. He was on the prowl, moving his lips, tapping his fingers, kicking away. It’s moments like these I want to etch into my brain, I don’t ever want to forget them.

We started a shirt fundraiser, we’d love for those of you planning to attend Logan’s funeral to wear these shirts as support. We plan to take a group photo after the ceremony of everyone in their shirts.

Booster.com and look for “Love for Logan”

That’s where you can get a shirt. As always we thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Facebook posts..

February 17, 2017

(I went into the Labor/Delivery ER with contractions) They sent me home around midnight. Still having contractions but they had spread out and gotten weaker. Woke up in the middle of the night with them again. I go see my OB this morning. He said last night since my water hasn’t broke, the contractions wouldn’t cause any stress on Logan’s brain tissue. So that’s good news. As of yesterday I had not started to dilate.

Dr thinks I will end up delivering in the next few days. He wants me to monitor my contractions and if they organize again he wants me to go to the hospital and we’ll do the C-Section early. He said he almost delivered me last night because of how consistent my contractions were. He’s pretty confident I won’t make it the whole week. I will keep everyone posted. Thanks for your continued prayers.