day 4

We’ve been home for almost a full day now. This journey doesn’t get any easier. He’s still taking Valium for his seizures, and every time I have to give him his medicine I have an anxiety attack. I break down from fear that this dose will be the one to finish easing his breathing and he’ll be gone.

This past day at home, has been such a blessing and so emotional. I look at this child, my beautiful boy that has stolen my heart in so many ways. And I’m watching him fade away. He’s not vivacious like he was just a few days ago. He’s not chubby like he was. He’s lost so much fat and muscle tone. I feel his ribs and his spine when I rub his back. Just looking at him when I change his diapers make me weep. He’s resumed the fetal position. All curled up and nestled on my chest, like he’s back in the womb. It’s the only solace I can give him. The only thing as a mom that I can do for him. To say I’m a mess would be putting it mildly.

Wyatt is still so much in love with his brother. He came home from school yesterday and crawled into bed with me. Read Logan a couple books and talked to him. Cuddled with him. This morning he didn’t want to go to school because he wanted to stay home with Logan. We assured him should Logan die today we would come get him from school so he could be with us and Logan. He loved on him so more and gave him a hug and a kiss and told him he loved him. And before leaving for school he came back and did it all over again. The unconditional love between him and Logan fills my heart.

I can’t function without him close to me. I take him with me to the bathroom, which makes for an interesting visit. I panic whenever I have to hand him to Josh. I randomly look at him and just weep, hard. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to say goodbye. I don’t know how I’m going to rejoin this world after such agony. I haven’t asked “why” or much of anything from God in this matter. And since we’ve been home, all I cry out to God is “why?” This is so cruel and unfair. People keep saying I’m strong, I don’t know where you see that strength because I sure don’t feel it.

I can’t thank each of you enough for the continued donations that have been coming in since Logan was born. It’s one less burden I’m trying not to stress about. You guys are amazing people. Thank you.

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