After some thought, and discussion with Josh, we’ve decided to keep this GoFundMe page up. Not so much as a source for fundraising. But more for those of you who want to continue to follow this journey we’re on. Plus, I’m not ready to say goodbye. I feel as if this GoFundMe gave Logan a voice. A journal into his life. And by closing it, makes me feel like I’m closing his voice. And I’m not ready for that.
Sunday was a very rough day for me. I fell into a rabbit hole (my anxiety attacks) and I couldn’t for the life of me crawl out. I sat and cried for I don’t know how long. I finally broke down and went and bout a recliner I had picked out for Logan before we knew of his diagnosis. I didn’t care how irresponsible it was, all I knew wasI just needed it. I came home and removed anything from his room that didn’t belong to him. (When we found out he wasn’t going to live long, I tore down the nursery and returned everything, and the room kind of became a storage area). I had already gone through his stuff the day before. So I set up the Pack N Play we used for his stuff while he was home (it used to be Wyatt’s Pack N Play). I moved his funeral flowers in the corner. The room looked like a nursery again. I sat in the recliner, and rocked. Just looking around the room. I sat there for at least 2 hours before I got up.The house was empty except for me and the dogs. I looked around and thought this is what it was supposed to be like. I felt peace for the first time that day. I only left the room to grab my journal, and I came right back to the chair and sat and wrote for a while longer. Wyatt came home, saw what I did in Logan’s room, he grabbed his journal I bought him and sat on the floor in front the Pack N Play and wrote a letter to Logan. He stayed in the room for at least an hour after I left it. I have been in here several times since Sunday. It gives me a place to go see Logan. A place of his own. We don’t have a grave since we cremated. But I have his ashes that I can hold and rock. I have his stuffed animals that I can hold and rock. I am simply satisfied just sitting here and rocking.
Wyatt had a rough night last night. He crawled into our bed with all of Logan’s animals. I had stayed in the living room, as I haven’t been able to sleep in my room since Logan passed. I had heard Wyatt pressing Logan Bear’s hand (It plays Logan’s heartbeat). He came out to me crying. I just held him and let him cry it out. Once he finished he sat with me in silence for a bit until I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He told me he just missed his baby brother. And I told him I do too. I told him he could hold his ashes whenever he wanted. He’s having a very hard time grasping the concept of cremation. We’ve explained a few times.
We got Logan’s ashes on Monday. And I can’t tell you how excited I was to have my baby boy home again.
The other day after setting Logan’s room back up, I sat down to journal through my rabbit hole (as I like to call them). Wyatt asked if he could join me and I said of course. He came back with his journal, sat down on the floor and began to write something to his baby brother. This was probably the best thing I’ve done for my family. We have a place to go “see” Logan now. We can go to his room and rock him, talk to him. I know it helps with my anxiety (rabbit holes) and it obviously helps Wyatt through his .