you are 1 month old

Logan is 1 month old today. I chose to speak in the here, instead of what he would be. I will forever spend the rest of my life discussing him in what he would be. So instead I chose to represent my son as if he is here, because let’s be honest, he IS here with us everyday. I woke up early this morning and I had this strong smell on my hands, I sat up quickly when I realized they smelled like Logan. I’ve been awake since, just randomly sniffing my hands (probably a good thing I’m at home). Call me whatever you want, but I probably won’t wash my hands for the rest of the day. I’m sniffing them now, and it’s as if I just laid him down, the smell is so strong. Maybe my brain is playing a trick on me since today is a significant day. But it’s a beautiful thing. I feel as if today, might be a hard day. All day yesterday, I had this underlying anxiety attack. I was dodging sink holes, just waiting for the next one to swallow me.

As I’ve mentioned before, I sleep on the couch now. Anytime I try to lay in bed, I lay there wide awake on the edge of a cliff, looking down at the next rabbit hole waiting for me to jump or fall in. Last night, I’m on the couch as usual, and Wyatt comes out to lay with me. The couch isn’t really big enough for the two of us, and he tries to convince me to go to bed. When his persistence fails, he crawls onto the oversized chair next to the couch and falls asleep. I feel so guilty not being able to give him the same mom I was before Logan passed. We cuddled all the time in bed. And now he seems to be going through his own struggle. He can’t sleep without me or dad. When Josh goes to work at night, Wyatt comes out to get me. People say, at least I got to come home to Wyatt after Logan passed, I’m still a parent. But really? Am I? Because I feel like I’m letting him down. Just because I’m a parent doesn’t mean losing Logan meant any less. If anything it feels harder because I can’t be the same parent I was. I’m trying my hardest to be what Wyatt needs me to be and to wander through my own grief.

Some days I see reason, other days I see anger. I feel the longer we’ve been home, the more angry days I have. The more reason doesn’t make sense. I feel as if I’ve gone back in time to before we got pregnant. As if the last 9 months haven’t happened. I see Logan’s picture and yet he doesn’t feel like my son. As if I’m in this alternate reality, just looking in at someone else’s life. It’s the most bizarre thing sometimes. I can’t help but feel like he is with me today. Why else would my hands smell so strongly of him? I’m trying to take comfort in that as I navigate through today.

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