watch

Do you ever just sit and watch people? Or even animals for that matter?

Josh and I have been doing some counseling since Logan’s passing. And I’m not sure that I’ve really addressed my thoughts and emotions regarding Logan as of yet. But it does have my mind wandering some.

Driving home from the gym tonight, something about driving just felt off. I looked down at the distance between the steering wheel and my stomach. I think it was the first time I really looked at this scenario. Might seem odd to you, but that last time I looked down, Logan was in my belly. It was protruding close to the steering. It seems so surreal.

I had my OB check this morning, it’s the second time I’ve been at the office post-pregnancy. The first time, I think I was just so nervous I didn’t really focus on the happenings around me. But today, I found myself watching this woman, and staring at her belly. It didn’t make me sad, I’m not sure I can even define the emotion I felt. But it felt odd, to know there was a baby alive and kicking in her stomach. That not so long ago, that was me. That my belly gave Logan life. How easily I gave it away because I was so excited to see him. My body sustained his life, gosh what a precious gift I was given. I find myself wishing I could’ve stayed pregnant forever. It’s the weirdest feeling to look down and see no baby belly and no baby around my house. I get frustrated when I see the scars of my journey left on my body, but no Logan to show for it. No reward for my hard work. Lately, I find myself at odds with his absence. At work I do okay, because I feel like there isn’t really a connection to Logan at work. Aside from me being pregnant there, I never took him there. Although sometimes I find myself standing in the entryway to one of the operatory’s and it feels odd, not having a belly to wrap my arms around. I now stand with my arms folded across my belly. It feels so weird. I have no better way to describe it.

I sit here at the dining room table, looking out into the backyard and I see these two robins sitting on a fence. And I wonder, do they know my pain? It does occur to me, that this is a really odd thought to have lol they’re birds… but animals lose their young all the time to nature. Survival of the fittest. Do birds cry over their dead babies? Or is our species the only one that grieves their deaths? I’m watching the cars drive by on the highway, and I wonder, what does their world look like. Are they tainted by life’s mishaps? Can they fathom the grief I have? Or is the worst thing in their life getting home late from work? I watch and listen to people as they speak to me about their problems in life. It’s almost as if I’m having an out of body experience. I’m face to face with them, but yet inside I feel like I’m standing next to the both of us, just watching this skit play out. I often myself thinking, “Do they know who they’re talking to?” Like I would understand that your water got shut off by mistake… um, my baby just died. So sorry for your water.. I mean it kinda sounds selfish on my part, but hey, it’s only been 6.5 weeks, I’m entitled to feel however I want. This is my grief journey.

I miss this incredible kid of mine. So many things I want to show him in life. The moon tonight is so beautiful. I wish Logan was here, so we could sit outside and inspect it. Maybe talk about the elusive man on the moon. Or why it’s round one day but looks like a banana the next. I have these moments, where I feel like I just walk around hollow. I’m not really thinking, just moving. This is what I’m supposed to be doing, and I do it. I look at things and think, “What for?” I have moments where it feels like none of this happened. I begin to think, I can still fix Logan. This isn’t the end. It’s not over. But it is. Logan is gone, his body ashes. Stuffed inside a blue heart with his name on it. How little he is now; he fits in the palm of my hand.

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