broken

Today is a bad day. It started off well enough. I had gathered music that reminded me of Logan on my Macbook and hooked up my iPhone to sync it. Well apparently iTunes thought I wanted to restore my new iPhone 7 to my old iPhone 6 which was last backed up BEFORE Logan was born. I lost literally everything. I broke down in his room, literally weeping, and begging my computer to give it all back.

I tried calling Apple and we found the photos, but they are no longer “live” photos. And all the videos are gone. All 34 of them. Josh has 1, from when Logan was alive. Mine showed his different stages of breathing. His hiccups. His facial expressions. His yawning. His huffing. His bath. AH! I’m SO mad. Mad at God. Mad at life. I keep saying, why? Why? Why?

Isn’t it enough that life and God have taken my child? I accepted that, I tried to start moving on. The video’s gave me vivid reminders of my sweet baby, so I wouldn’t forget completely. But now, that it’s all gone. Why God? Why couldn’t I just have this? I gave you my son, why couldn’t you make sure this didn’t happen? Why do you have to take it all from me? I’m not okay with this. I’m not okay with life. I’m only writing now to vent it out, but honestly I don’t care.

Tomorrow is Easter and I could honestly give a shit less.  I don’t want to go to church. I don’t want to praise the Lord. I don’t want to give you credit for my strength and survival the past 10 months. I literally want you to fuck off. Fuck up somebody else’s life. Leave me be.

Wyatt won’t even let me dye easter eggs with him. I asked this morning, and he told me no. But he wanted to go to the neighbors to dye eggs. Did you take Logan because you think I’m a bad fucking parent? Am I that awful to the child I have you took the other one? And now Wyatt gets to stomp on my heart as well? How much more do you expect me to handle?

I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do. I’m a responsible adult. I have a respectable job. I’m nice and considerate to other people. I raised my son in the church. I’ve praised you my whole life. And I feel like you’ve failed me in return.

This brokenness inside me now is so big. It’s a black hole trying to swallow me completely. A bottomless pit. I feel like I’ve lost Logan all over again but this time the intensity is so much more than I can bare. I feel like I’ve literally lost all of my son. Everything. I will one day forget the way he yawned. And it’ll be your fault.

And to put salt in the wound with Wyatt, I feel like a failure as a mom. I’ve already been struggling on being the mom he needs me to be, and now I feel like I’m not meeting his needs at all. He doesn’t even want to spend time with me. SO much here lately he’s gone down to his friends house instead of hanging with me. I accepted it as something he needed and wanted to do. Now I feel like he doesn’t want to be around me.

I want to scream from my lungs, the pit of my stomach is in toils. And I have this nagging feeling like I’ll never be okay. I have no control. Everything is out of my hands. I feel helpless. Hopeless. Fuck it.

One thought on “broken

  1. Brandi,
    I am so sorry you are going thru this. When I lost my mother, I lost everything I had of her on my phone, and the only thing I had with her voice. I am not comparing, as no mother should have to grieve a child, but unfortunately we do. When you
    are in your darkest Brandi, He is there to guide you. I am here for you always, just breathe sweetheart, so and steady! Kathy Traffas

    Like

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