others

How someone thinks they have the right to judge my life and what I’m going through just blows my mind. Who do you think you are? Have you lost a child? An infant child? Have you gone through my experience? My loss? My grief? Have you watched your child die in your arms while feeling completely and utterly helpless? I’m gonna go ahead and guess the answer is no. How lucky you are to not understand my strife. My grief.

You don’t know what I struggle with on the daily. You do not know what my life has become. You do not know me. You are not apart of my life. I am forever changed because of my son’s short life. Grief of this magnitude is not for you to judge. I am handling my life, in the best way I know how. And do NOT throw God at me. As if my behavior is because Jesus is lacking my life. How do you think I’m still alive right now? If not for the power and support of my Jesus, I wouldn’t be standing here today, being a wife, a mother or a person. God knows my pain. He watched his son die. He knows my agony. He knows what brings me to my knees. What punches me in the gut. The anxiety I get when being around certain things or people. Just because my behavior isn’t what you want, does not mean that I’m not okay. There is no rule book for grief. Everybody grieves differently.

I do not need you to do something ‘for me’ because you think I’m not handling things well. You are not here. I have a therapist. I don’t need you. I don’t need you to find a therapist for me. I don’t need you to go behind my back to try and bombard me with what you’re calling ‘help.’ You do not care. You only want to cause drama and more strife. I go back to, how dare you. I do not need to have this on my plate. It has been only 3 months since Logan was born and died. You are the problem. You don’t know Logan, you never did. I knew Logan. I know what Logan’s life has meant to me and to others.

I am surviving. Logan taught me what really matters in life and what doesn’t. There are things and people who are not worth your time or energy. Don’t waste away on that highway, because that’s all you’re doing. You are driving a road that will leave you exhausted and hurt. For what? Logan taught me that the people who really matter, will be there. They will understand. They will walk beside me, quietly or loud, depending on what I need. They will try and understand my pain, my difficulties that arise through each day. They will love me, for me. I know I’m not perfect, and so do they. But they love me nonetheless. When I get awkward around their child, they don’t hold it against me. Instead they do their best to try and shield me from the pain. To make it easier. They listen to me. They don’t judge me. Friendships and family are who YOU make them. You are not owned by anyone. You choose who you want in your life. I wanted Logan in my life. The people who surround me, wanted Logan in their lives. Those are my friends. Those are my family.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s