“It is a good thing to wait upon Him in a well-watered land. It is a [holy] thing to wait upon Him in a barren landscape.” -Andree Seu
I am a barren landscape. When you look at me, you won’t see the sahara that is within me. I am mostly well put together. My outside parades as this confident, strong, Godly woman. My personality bubbles over and it’s intoxicating. If you were to drill a hole and peek inside, you would find a little girl wandering around a barren desert. There is no holy water flowing to rejuvenate my spirit. There are no street signs pointing me in the right direction. There are no flowers to bring me joy. There is utter confusion and chaos swirling around me like a squawk of crows do their prey. I wander this barren desert with no obvious path. I’m not even sure I’m trying to search for anything.
Before I got pregnant with Logan, I was all these things. Confident, powerful, unwavering faith and put together. Since Logan’s passing, I doubt everything. Am I being a good mother? Does my husband think I’m a good mother? Does Wyatt? Am I doing my job the best to my abilities? Does my boss still think as highly of me as he once did? Am I a good friend? Does my husband still find me attractive? Am I a good person? Am I capable of creating a healthy child? <—- That’s a big one. It didn’t hit me until recently. The woman in me, feels I need to prove that I CAN bear a normal (healthy) child. Since I failed Logan, I feel as if I am capable of failure elsewhere. What was supposed to be a normal pregnancy, turned tragic. Maybe things I used to view as successful and normal, aren’t really. But it’s just a mind game, isn’t it? Life really is just a mind game we play with ourselves. How many times do you have a conversation in your head beforehand, for it only to turn out way less complicated than you thought it would?
My mind at the moment is incapable of functioning on ‘Brandy’s’ normal level. I’m dropping the ball right and left. Wyatt had his birthday party this weekend. I planned to make cupcakes, he asked for them to be decorated as baseballs. So I dutifully went to the store to buy the ingredients. Last minute I thought it would be great to put them in ice cream cones. I left the baking aisle to get the cones, and was headed to the front door. Thankfully, my friend with me, pointed out that I needed icing. Duh. How was I going to make cupcakes without icing? So I went back to the baking aisle. I was halfway home when I realized, I didn’t have any eggs or milk to bake these cupcakes. I literally spaced. Fast forward to party day. The kids sing him Happy Birthday, and I felt like something was missing. I forgot his candle.. I giggled it off to the adults. But on the inside, I started crumbling. How many times since Logan’s passing, have I dropped the ball? Not only do I have to battle recovery from pregnancy brain, but not I’ve added a helping of grief brain.
There are days, I literally feel like I cannot function on the inside. My mind is in chaos like that little girl in the barren desert trying to find a landmark to tell her where she is, or where to go. I can’t even make a simple decision. Sunday Josh and I left the house to grocery shop. On the way to the store he asked if I wanted to go eat, and I literally started crying because I couldn’t decide if it was a good idea. Or if I could even do it. I started having a panic attack. My heart was racing, I felt like vomiting. I had this overwhelming sense of uneasiness. I drove the car around in circles. I finally parked the car and we walked into Walmart. We made it as far as the shopping carts before I finally felt stable again. I looked at him, and just as quickly as the panic had set in, it left.
How do I overcome this barren landscape I’m trapped in? How do I find that thing that marks the path I’m searching for?