their pregnancies

When friends get pregnant, I feel as if they begin to disappear. Doesn’t matter how close our friendship is or was. By birth, I couldn’t tell you when the last time we talked or met was. 

I’m on my third pregnant friend now, who has seemed to walk a path leading away from our friendship. I’ve always thought that I have given them understanding with how hectic and exhausting their lives become once pregnancy joins their journey. Especially since they’re previous pregnancies left them with empty arms. 

Perhaps I become a burden to them? I honestly don’t know. But it leaves me perplexed. I try not to make my journey apart of anyone else. Perhaps that’s why my healing has suffered so much. But it truly saddens me. To have been so close to someone, who truly understood the realm of my rabbit hole. Someone who can understand what another pregnancy means to those around you. 

In no way do I want their light and joy to be dampened by my emotions. I’m so happy for them. Jealous, too. I think jealousy will always be there. Jealousy because they knew what they wanted. Jealousy because they were brave enough to make a decision. Jealousy because they chose to have another baby. Jealousy because it’s all decisions I can’t wholeheartedly make. 

But nevertheless joy. Joy because I love them dearly. Joy because I wouldn’t want more harm to come for them. Joy because their joy brings me joy. Joy because I get to watch them grow. Joy because no matter what, I love babies. 

So why, has this happened 3 times? Are they just so caught up in their own lives to realize I’m not there? Am I taking it too personal? Although I don’t know how not to, when I’m told via FB instead of in person. When they assume I’m on FB enough to even see their announcement. Shouldn’t close friends be able to share this kind of news with you on a more personal level? If you’re journeys were truly entwined, wouldn’t they notice you weren’t there for such big moments? 

The first 2 made me angry. My feelings were hurt. They did exactly what they said they wouldn’t do. This 3rd pregnancy has just left me feeling hurt, misunderstood and alone. 

Everyday I feel as if Logan no longer matters. Decisions others make leaves a bad taste in my mouth and a scar on my heart. My defensive wall screams to be thrown back up. 

How do I learn to cope with other friends pregnancies that undoubtedly surround me everyday? How do I begin to normalize pregnancy again when the ones who understood what pregnancy means to a loss mom, left during the healing phase? 

In my mind it leaves me feeling as if I’m not important. Our friendship wasn’t as cherished as I thought. And Logan only mattered until something bigger came along. Nothing will ever be bigger than Logan, because to me his life mattered. 

But perhaps this all just in my head. Perhaps my view of life is skewed. And my ability to make sound decisions and conclusions are blurred. 

Perhaps they stepped away from me, because I’m a painful reminder. Perhaps my presence makes their journey more difficult or awkward. Perhaps they can’t be themselves around me anymore for fear of my journey. 

Who knows. But it sucks. 

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