Each day Logan gives us such a blessing. But along with the blessing comes the constant doubt. Josh and I’ve continued to discuss why we chose the route we did. And after continuous discussions of what Drs have said we constantly come back to the same conclusion.
It’s so hard to look at him and know he won’t be here much longer. That I have to take all the love he deserves and condense it into a few days. Today is an emotional day. They come and go. I’m sure I will have plenty more of them. I want so badly to keep my son forever. What I wouldn’t give for him to be healthy.
The hospice nurse came by today and initially his vitals were high, but she took them again and they were back to normal. She said he must’ve been in a deep sleep. He hasn’t eaten today. I keep trying to wake him to feed him and he’s not interested. We wasn’t eating much, a few mLs but at least it was something. He’s almost in a permanent state of the fetal position. I think the encephalocele hurts or causes him some sort of discomfort. If I barely touch it by accident he fidgets. He wants to lay on his side. And his head juts down like holding his head up is uncomfortable for him. You can see his neck stretching in uncomfortable ways.
He spends his days on my chest or Josh’s, but mostly mine. Curled up in a little bitty ball and sleeps the day away. Sometimes he will get a burst of energy and open his eyes. He doesn’t move his body at all except for stretching. But we enjoy every minute that his eyes are open as if he could see us. And we talk to him and just go crazy over him.
I tell him all the time how much I love him and how perfect he is and how lucky I am to have such a handsome fella. I just simply can’t get enough of him.
We’re told that once the dying process starts, it’ll be fairly quick. Children go faster than the elderly.
Josh and I are doing okay. We continually talk through this whole process. Encouraging each other and giving unconditional love to one another.
Thank you for your continued love and support.