Logan’s hospice nurse came out today and let us know his breathing has started to change. I can notice subtle differences in his behavior as well. We are entering the final stage.
While part of me is relieved it’s almost over because I’m ready for him to be in Heaven, the other part of me is screaming in agony. The last few days have been what I imagine is just the beginning of the pain to come. I have suffered so much since Logan was born. Each day bringing about a new wave of emotions and crying. Not just crying, weeping. I can honestly say I’ve never wept in my life, until now.
I can’t figure out how to keep going. I’m only surviving right now because Logan is with me almost every second of everyday. Except for the few minutes Josh holds him. And even then I freak out. If I can’t handle my own husband holding my child, how in the world am I supposed to handle letting him go? I just can’t.
I sit here holding this beautiful beautiful baby who looks so peaceful. And I’m just dying on the inside. My pain is written all over my face. Too great for me to conceal it now. I’m breaking, I’m broken. I don’t think I can be fixed. This is the most torturous and unfair thing to do to a person.
So many times over the past 9 days I have gone through the emotions of his passing away only to be surprised with another day. I’m so emotionally and physically spent. I don’t know how to be “normal”. I don’t know what a “normal” life is anymore or how to live in one. This has forever changed who I am. I feel bitter. I feel cold. I feel like I don’t care anymore.
I’m thankful for the time I have gotten with my son. But it hurts holding this child that evades me. I can’t have him forever and that is cruel. I don’t know what the rest of the day holds for him.