I want to share something, that is probably going to receive lots of mixed emotions. But I feel that it needs to be shared. One thing I’ve stated with this journey is that I realized a separate world existed for families who have traveled this journey, and I believe that world needs to join reality. It’s not okay for it to be separate. Others who have not traveled this path need to know what the journey is like, so they can be more aware and involved. This is just my journey, I can’t speak for others, but from the research I’ve done, it’s very similar to others.
Thursday I stumbled upon a few birth videos, that I felt the need to watch. One in particular was of a miracle baby. They had gone in with a similar outcome as Logan; she was not expected to live. Dr’s said she was not compatible with life. As I watched this video and the amazing things this little girl did, instead of feeling joy and happiness for this family, I felt anger and indifference. I couldn’t find happiness in me for them. All I could think was “Why you? Why your baby and not mine?” I didn’t even feel guilty for thinking such things. I immediately fell into my rabbit hole, retreated to Logan’s room. Curled up in the rocker with his bear and ashes and wrapped myself in his blanket. I messaged a dear friend about my rabbit hole because I just felt hateful, and I am not a hateful person. And to my dismay, this family I realized, I had been talking to since I was pregnant. In that moment I did not care. I wanted my baby. I sat there for an hour or so, before Josh came home and found me. We talked it out. It took a few days before my emotions began to evolve.
Now as I write this, I can say, I sincerely feel sorry for those emotions. That’s not who I am. I am not a hateful person. When I fall into my rabbit holes, I literally hit the bottom floor. Grief is a journey I have traveled before, but never at this magnitude. When I’m high, man I’m flying. I begin to think I’m handling things well and I’m okay. Then I’m swallowed by a rabbit hole and I just feel so lost.
There are AMAZING resources to families on this journey. I’ve had friends who’ve lost babies, and I never fully understood the depth of it, until now. I am so very grateful for the people who have been apart of my journey. I can’t imagine what their journey’s were like back before this community of people came together. My hope is, that while you follow our journey, and you pray for us and with us, that you feel apart of Logan’s legacy. And that the next time you hear of someone taking this journey, that you’ll be more adapt to supporting them. That maybe you’ll be lead to help others you don’t know on their journey. Just to know there are people we’ve never met reading what I’ve been writing the last several months, praying for us, supporting us, routing for us, loving us; it makes such a difference.