motions

Have you ever heard the phrase, “just going through the motions”?

On the nights I happen to visit the gym, I listen to my playlist named ‘Logan’ on my way home. It’s filled with songs that are sad, slow and melodic. Most of them are from his funeral. As I drive in the dark, windows down and his music blaring as loud as a raging storm, I find myself focusing on the details of Logan’s life. Zooming in and mentally logging the features of his face. A movie reel with a bad wifi connection; his final moments of life- buffering….. the bath I gave him after he died- buffering…. the weight of his body in my arms at his funeral-buffering… conversations while I was pregnant, wondering how we were going to be able to hold our baby.

I love these moments. They are bitter, for they remind me of my loss and pain. But they are so sweet because I get to sit peacefully and remember him and how much I love him. It allows me uninterrupted time to focus on my mentality and emotional state. Most days I think, ‘did this really happen to me?’ It seems like a dream. Life has moved forward, it keeps moving forward. All around me life keeps going. It never stopped. I find it hard to believe that I actually lost a child, when life doesn’t show me that I have.

When I was home after Logan passed, I had time to focus on my loss. It felt so real. But the outside world had not penetrated my inner circle. I had made a safe haven in my home. Nothing could hurt me there. Once I stepped out, who knew what was waiting to swallow me up.

Now I find myself, going through the emotions. I had thought, that I was really enjoying life. But tonight, I’m left wondering. I think about the things I did and the friends I saw before Logan died. I was very active in life. And now, I have to force myself to fall into those same shoes. It’s like I woke up one day, and my favorite pair of pairs were holy and I had a new pair awaiting me. Try as I may, I can’t seem to find my rhythm back into my life. Rather, I find myself just going through the motions of this former life of mine. I go to work, because it’s what I know. But even there, I find my mind roaming. My brain literally goes blank in the middle of a task. I’ve tried for 3 weeks to get back into a workout routine, to just find that my strength I had is gone. My understanding for the condition of my body is gone. I know I just had a baby and major surgery. But it falls short on my understanding. I go to the gym, I might giggle here or there through a workout routine, but I’m left wanting. I’m left empty. I’m left feeling unaccomplished.

On my days off from work, all I want to do is hide. Someone once described grief as ‘coming in waves.’ It’s the best description I’ve heard that I can relate to. Some days I feel the strength of David. Then the water pulls back, and wave after wave comes crashing into shore. Smacking me, pushing me down, swallowing me, suffocating me. What is life supposed to look like? I feel empty, all the time.

I try to remember what it was like to love Wyatt like I did before Logan was born. I can see it, but I can’t feel like. I love him, there is no doubt about that. But I can’t feel it. Its like looking at a picture of someone, but not being able to feel them. I have to make myself spend time with him. It doesn’t come naturally anymore. I remember at some point in my Logan journey, in my devastation, I looked at Wyatt and thought, ‘why do you get to live, but Logan didn’t?’ Gosh, just even writing that makes me feel so horrible as his mother. Neither child is more special than the other. I love them both. Perhaps grief is to blame.

Will I ever be okay? Or will I spend the rest of my life ‘going through the motions’? Doing what I know is right, but not having the capacity to put my heart into it.

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