My son cries every night for his baby brother. Not a whisper of tears, but a weeping. If you’ve never seen a child weep, you won’t understand the multitude of emotions that surge through your body.
At times I feel at a loss on how to help him with his grief. He’s 8, and I can barely process his brain on a normal day. How do I even begin to understand what his young mind is thinking? Other times I feel agitated by his sobs. (It’s embarrassing to admit that) I’m in a place now, where I don’t want to deal with the tears. Not just his, but Josh’s too. Maybe because I don’t cry very much anymore. It takes just the right ingredient at the right moment to flip that switch. I’m usually on autopilot.
I often feel their tears, interfere with my everyday life. It’s hard to explain, I love them and I hurt for their pain. It’s like an old record, that keeps skipping and playing the same tune over and over until your hitting your head against the wall. This cycle of grief keeps spinning and spinning on the same tune. I’m tired of listening to this song. I’m ready for a new one.
I know Wyatt is confused and sad. He loves Logan so much. It’s not fair that he doesn’t get to grow up and teach Logan about life. I’m hiding in my bathroom, because I’m honestly scared to walk out. I can hear him crying in bed with his dad. I feel complacent. I want to console him, but at the same time I don’t. Perhaps I’m avoiding it. Grief. My grief. Their grief. I think of Logan often. But I don’t get sad, unless it’s a particular song from his funeral. I’m simply complacent. It’s like I know what happened, but I don’t feel. Like a veil, it filters, I know what’s happened by the emotions don’t penetrate the veil.
It’s odd that he cries at night. He’s okay during the day, normal even. Logan is always apart of everyday conversation in our house. Then again, perhaps it’s not odd. Bedtime is when you wind down from your day. Your brain takes the time to intricately process the happenings of your day. Usually to over analyze if your me lol
Sometimes I wish we could fast forward through the next couple of years. Be at a point in life where we cry very little. The pain not so strong. To get past this awkward phase in our lives. It truly is an awkward phase. Nothing truly feels like normalcy. It’s all a new reality, a new wave of life.
**I wrote the above blog a few days ago**