Nothing rubs salt into a wound better than being faced daily with medical bills from your deceased child. In no way do I expect to get services for free. Services were provided for us and it is our responsibility to pay for them. It was our decision to continue the pregnancy when we knew we had a terminal diagnosis. We could have chosen a financially and possibly emotionally easier route, but we didn’t. We wanted to give Logan every chance he deserved. No matter the cost to us; emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and monetarily.

That being said, everyday brings about a new medical bill. And to be honest, Josh and I both feel like, it’s crap that we have all these medical bills and nothing to show for it. It’s like when you buy groceries at the store and get home to realize you left half of them at the store. You paid for a product that you didn’t receive. I feel like I’m paying for a child I didn’t get to have. It’s maddening. Just when I think I’ve got it under control, another one shows up at my door. So not only do I not get to keep my child, that I sacrificed for, now I get to apparently suffocate under the weight of medical bills. It’s true what they say, life moves on whether or not you do.

It’s a daily reminder of what I don’t have. My life continues to struggle because I’m burdened with grief, my son’s grief, my husband’s grief, my empty nursery, financial responsibility, fading friendships and so on. When does the madness end? It’s only been 2 months since Logan died, but it feels like eternity. I feel as if I’ve been traveling this road for years, but I can’t ever get to my destination. I just keep climbing this steep hill, but can never reach the top. The moment where you say, alright, we’ve made it, it’s only downhill from here.

My advice for women in my position, do everything you can to prepare financially for this baby. They are going to come either way; baby or no baby. We tried to put Logan on life insurance, I don’t think we will end up getting approved. We were told that Logan would have to live long enough to get an account set up for him. Unfortunately due to information we had received at Children’s Mercy, we were under the impression life insurance was not an option. Put your child on life insurance as soon as they are born. It’s not about making money of your child, but it will help so much to cover the burden after they are gone. It’s not much, but it’s a small step to helping in your journey. You need to focus on you and your family, and not losing your house, car, electricity or whatever the case may be. No amount of money will ever be equal to your child, but a little something helps go a long way. Give your child a social security number, it may seem pointless, but it matters. Social security number is proof your baby existed. It’s a small token to show he was here and that he mattered.

I hope this knowledge will help someone else.