mother’s day

The first mother’s day. I was told this one would be hard. Emotions would run high. To watch out for sinking rabbit holes hidden amongst the day.

Rewind to Saturday. I knew Mother’s Day was coming, and I really hadn’t felt any pressure to do something so spectacularly special. We never really do anything over the top for Mother’s Day. Usually we grill and spend the day as a family. Not unlike many of the other days we share on weekends. Moms vary on what they like for Mother’s Day, and there is no wrong answer. I prefer to just spend time with my husband and my sons.

The only thing I asked for this year was a Cherry Blossom. Either in the form of a tree or a bush. I didn’t care which. The Cherry Blossom has brought significance to my life in regards to Logan. The Cherry Blossom blooms for 2 weeks once a year. The reach the peak of their beautiful in those 2 weeks. Then their blossoms fall and it’s just a tree for the other 50 weeks of the year. Logan reached his peak of life in those 2 weeks he was home with us. He lived for 2 beautiful weeks full of emotional waves. It was the peak of emotions. They couldn’t go any higher nor lower. 2 weeks holds so much meaning to our family. This blossom resonated with my heart and the life of Logan.

So, Saturday morning there was some miscommunication between my husband and I. He called while I was in the middle of trying to put groceries up. We had planned this day out. But when he called, there was a hiccup with the Cherry Blossom. They didn’t have a bush, they had trees. As he rattled off the information about the 3 different trees, I felt my insides snap. I felt thrown into chaos, and I felt pressured to make a decision right then. The plans I’d made for this bush, were slipping. I just knew it wasn’t going to happen. I got angry, and hung up on him. I finished the busy work I had laid out in front of me and started cleaning the house by the time he came home. He tried to talk to me about what was going on, but my capabilities of understanding anything at that particular moment was gone. I was elevated too high. I felt as if my world was crashing down around me. Everything was going wrong.

I’m thankful to have an uncle, who despite his certain circumstances he’s going through, loves me and husband enough to help support us. Basically being kidnapped, it gave me an opportunity to step back from the situation, and focus on what the real issue at hand was. I was hurt. I didn’t realize how much value I had put into this bush. I was already on emotional alert this day, without me even knowing it. And when things didn’t go smoothly at the nursery, things began to crumble around me. Out of my hands. I felt out of control. Things have not been in my control for some time. I’m constantly standing on the inside trying to grab a hold of things. But its like everything slips through my fingers. I can’t pin anything down. It’s utter chaos.

As Josh and I discussed what had possessed me, I began to realize, he was struggling too. This was just as an important day for him as it was for me. The significance of this bush brought about such excitement for him. His disappointment by the nursery setback only plummeted even further by my reaction to this incident. Funny, how such a little plant can cause so much trouble. But it isn’t just a little plant is it?

Fast forward to today: Sunday. We went together, as a family to the nursery. We listened to the gentleman, who seemed a little gruff to me at first. He wasn’t understanding what I wanted. Instead he kept talking about plants and I was no longer listening. He kept walking further and further away from the plants I wanted. I finally told him, why we wanted a Cherry Blossom. That it didn’t have to be the Cherry Blossom itself, but that it was the bloom phase that was important to us. We finally decided on a Lilac Bush. It blooms once a year and remains green the rest of the time. It’s mature size would fit perfectly where we wanted it. So we let Wyatt choose which Lilac Bush to take home.

We each took turns digging the hole underneath Wyatt’s window. We chose this spot because Logan’s window is on the front porch. But their rooms are right next to each other. We sprinkled some of Logan’s ashes along the roots. And as my husband was pushing soil over the roots, I noticed him begin to silently weep. Such a simple plant, to bring such significance. A symbol, of burying my child, to watch him grow each and everyday. Buried and renewed. Dead and healed. Earth and Heaven.

We will need to water and prune this Lilac Bush. It will need our love. This Lilac Bush represents our love.

I am thankful for the two children God blessed me with. Even though Logan is not here, he is still my blessing. He taught me what true unconditional love is. He loved me. His love was not influenced by the worldly desires. His love was pure untainted love. Wyatt has such a beautiful heart. He adores me. He shows sincere concern for my well-being. He’s always lifting me up as his mother; “You’re the best mom ever” and “I love you more” battles. He is a reflection of the love I shower on him. I am proud to be their mother. They both show such bravery in the face of a cold selfish world. My desire is that both their lives continue to be a light in this cloudy world.

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